my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
