I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
