just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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