i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
