he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
