My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
