I accidentally had phone sex last night
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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