Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
