Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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