I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize