did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
