so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
