My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
