Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
