The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
