My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
