The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
