At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
