You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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