So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
