I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
