I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
