All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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