I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
