Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
