There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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