At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
