Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
