I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
