if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize