Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize