Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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