Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
