You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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