he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize