Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
