Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
