So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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