she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize