Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize