You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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