I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
