do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
