Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize