If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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