good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
