Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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