Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
