Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
