My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Your cock deserves a montage
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
