Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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