I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
