last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
