I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
