she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
