god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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