a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize