Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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