But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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