Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
