Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
