im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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